Reducing Tension in Your Body
Reducing the tension in your body…
For the next five minutes of this exercise, lie on your back and relax. Sink into your body to feel and breathe with a calm and steady rhythm.
You are invited to slow down and deepen your abdominal breathing.
Focus your attention on the sensations in your face, head and neck; pay special attention to points of tension or tightness, heaviness or pressure. As you breathe out, the “letting go” breath, invite the sensations in these areas of your body to release, relax or just exist.
Direct your consciousness to the sensation of your torso, arms and hands; notice any tingling or numbness, cold or heat, strain or knotted areas. As you exhale, encourage your sensations in this area to soften, loosen, or to stay as they are.
Now observe the sensations of your thighs, calves, feet and toes; feel tightness or hardness, soreness or numbness. On the “letting go” breathing, offer release to the feelings in this area of your body.
Finally, lets move our breath throughout the whole body. Cleansing as it moves. Inhale deeply as you “sweep” any remaining tension on the soles of your feet up to your spine, to your head. Exhale for a long time to release all the “dust and debris” from imaginary air holes on the top of the head.
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A failure to my family?
Dear Therapist,
I have recently been laid off from work and I am having to look for another job within my field of expertise. I am an IT network technician and so far finding a new job is challenging because my field is very competitive. Making things worse, however, is that my mother is making me feel like I am a failure for things that are not in my control.
– Failure?
Dear Not a Failure,
While I know so little of the context that you’re writing from I imagine that the so many people can relate to your experience of suffering. The pandemic has brought so much chaos into our lives and careers. So many people have lost their jobs and are struggling personally, financially, and with their families. You are not alone.
The fact that you have been employed in the IT field means that you have a deep ability to learn, you’re hirable, and have a valuable skill to offer.
It is a common experience for us to identify our value with what we do for work. However, that is a limited way of seeing ourselves and never is a broad enough base to hold all the value that we have in who we are. We get so much of that way of seeing things from the world around us but it sounds like you have that being explicitly communicated to you from your mother as well.
Being made to feel responsible for things that are out of our control is one of the surest ways to make someone feel crazy (and likely depressed and anxious).
There are, of course, cultural and familial contexts that play into this so I can’t speak to all the complexity that you’re experiencing. However, from my perspective, your mother is doing more harm than good. Maybe from her perspective she is trying to motivate you, or maybe her own shame is making her pass it on to you, but either way I can imagine that in this time of pain and suffering you’re looking for a certain kind of support.
Again, one option would be for you to share with her how you’re being hurt and to see if you can get her to understand and to change her behavior towards you. You are the expert there, you know whether that is something that you’d be willing to risk. So be safe. If that doesn’t seem like something that would be worth it or that you’re willing to do then boundaries and non-familial relationships are a path way to maintain some sense of security and an alternative way to get our emotional and relational needs met.
– Kevin
Kevin Cram is a licensed psychotherapist focused on helping people overcome developmental trauma and attachment challenges as well as the symptoms that are inevitably linked. He works from a relational psychoanalytic/dynamic perspective. He sees clients in the Southern California area.
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Free Therapy Online use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Is it okay to not love your parents?
Dear Therapist,
My parents have both done some pretty messed up things and I cant look at them the way I used too. I can’t even say ‘I love you’ to them anymore. I really hate them some days and at best I tolerate them. Is that normal?
– Love / Hate
Dear Love / Hate,
Relational wounds are some of the most painful experiences that a person can go through. On top of that, our attachment connection to, needs, and dependency we have with our parents or primary caregivers make those relationship especially vulnerable and sensitive to hurt. So my heart goes out to you and what you’re experiencing.
First, I think it’s important to discuss that important concept you mentioned of “normal.” One way that questions asking about “normal” is often meant is asking, “do most other people experience this or feel this way?” That question has so,e importance but I think it’s most beneficial when thinking through research and treatment. It isn’t the most beneficial lens to look through on an individual basis. Another common interpretation of “normal” is it common, even if it’s not the majority, and I would have to say that your experience is certainly common.
The way that I prefer to talk about “normal” is to see it as asking the question, “is this understandable?” This lens ALWAYS allows us to answer in the affirmative. Human beings have some common but also infinite strategies and responses to help us deal with pain. While we might not understand how our responses are connected to the pain we can know that IF we had all the information and understanding that our response would indeed makes sense. It allows us to look at our experiences and say even if this only happened to me, even if it’s bringing out apparently strange or unique responses, it is still understandable.
So yes. I would say your experience is normal.
Our relationships with our parents do and should change so much over our lifetime, while at the same time they usually stay incredibly consistent. What I hear in your brief question is both recent event and a long history of interactions that have laid the foundation for this present moment. There have probably been so many ways that you’ve been hurt by your parents, and those also probably haven’t been talked about. They’ve been swept under the rug. Upon the foundation of those (maybe) small but numerous experiences comes these more significant wounds that have occurred.
This anger and hurt, in my opinion, is actually an attachment response signaling to you that something is going wrong in the relationships between you and your caregivers and it’s pushing you to try something different to get the care that your need. Unfortunately, your parents might not be able to offer you that care. Obviously, I don’t know what they’re capable of or what is likely but you do.
If you try or have tried to get some care from your parents about these issues and the responses are caring enough to feel reparative to you, then it might be a further signal that new boundaries are necessary with your parents. I don’t know how old you are but as we get older we often are drawn to connection with people outside of our families of origin. We look for and hopefully find people who can meet our relational and emotional needs beyond what our parents are able to offer. This is a good and necessary developmental process. But. It doesn’t come with some grief. The awareness and experience of our parents as limited, hurtful, imperfect being is a traumatic experience.
So yes. Your experience is normal. You’ve likely been hurt and need some care and repair in your relationship to them. They may or may not be able to offer you that. The good news is that there are people out there who can, but there is grief and anger about what’s happening at the same time.
– Kevin
Kevin Cram is a licensed psychotherapist focused on helping people overcome developmental trauma and attachment challenges as well as the symptoms that are inevitably linked. He works from a relational psychoanalytic/dynamic perspective. He sees clients in the Southern California area.
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Free Therapy Online use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Morning Affirmations Meditation
In the next five minutes of meditation, find a comfortable position and gently close your eyes.
Slow down and really feel yourself breathing. Observe the uniqueness of each breath. At the same time, notice how each breath connects with the next. Feel the vitality of the breath and its connection with life.
Now as you breathe in, say to yourself, “life.” While breathing out say to yourself, “grateful.”
See if you can slow down your breathing a little further as you open to the feeling of being connected to the earth and open to your gratitude to life.
Breathe in, say to yourself, “calm.” Breathe out and say to yourself, “safe.”
Every time you breathe, see if you can grow a sense of security and allow the sense of security to expand and expand.
Breathe in, say to yourself, “whole.” Breathe out and say yourself, “connected.”
Continue your breathing, observe and follow the thread of feeling connected to all that is around you. The goodness of this moment that touches your connection with everyone and everyone in your life. Savor these connections and carry them into your day.
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Terrified of the Impossible
Dear Therapist,
I constantly find myself terrified of the impossible. I know we’re bound to the earth by gravity. Every now and then I think about the infinite void that we’re floating around in and my body starts to feel like it’s dropping quickly. Like I’m falling forever in to space. It hits me worse when I’m driving. Thinking that if I were to dig down and dug far enough I’d be on the other side of the world. It’s like the ground I’m standing on isn’t stable enough. I’m able to run from the fear but it inevitably catches up to me. I don’t wanna run anymore I want to stop this fear once and for all. Can somebody help me please?
– Overcoming Fear
Dear Overcoming Fear,
Your question brings to me a sense that this could be a much deeper and more complicated issue than I can address but I’ll give you some of my initial impressions. It’s possible that your experience is really limited to a “fear” or a particular phobia (Casadastraphobia). If that’s the case then you would likely benefit from some form of CBT or exposure therapy.
However, to me it seems like there are some other possibilities as well.
As you write out your question you tell it as if the images and thoughts come first and then the feelings (your body dropping) come. My first curiosity is whether it’s possible that the order could also be reversed. That maybe you have some physical sensations first that then your mind tries to make sense of by bringing about some images or thoughts to unify that confusing sensation. It’s possible that these are the physical sensation of anxiety. Potentially expanding your thinking beyond “fear” and the particular images might allow you to respond more acutely to what you’re experiencing.
My second curiosity relates to the symbolic nature of these images and fears. There are such themes of insecurity and instability in what you shared. It makes me curious if those words resonate with you about your childhood or primary caregivers. A very common response to chaos or insecurity is control and I can’t imagine a more clear picture of a lack of control than gravity failing. How chaotic and terrifying. Again, I have no idea if any of that might resonate with you but if you’re stuck in this fear maybe opening up to the symbolic and deeper layers of it might help you to find another angle that will help you move somewhere new.
The last thing that I’ll mention is that it makes me curious about your experiences of trauma. I don’t want to pull too hard on that thread here but even if that isn’t the case for you it seems to me that seeking out whatever therapy you can find would be very beneficial to you.
– Kevin
Kevin Cram is a licensed psychotherapist focused on helping people overcome developmental trauma and attachment challenges as well as the symptoms that are inevitably linked. He works from a relational psychoanalytic/dynamic perspective. He sees clients in the southern California area.
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Free Therapy Online use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
Somatic Breathing Exercise
Notice how your body and breathing are connected.
Lie comfortably on your back and slowly close your eyes.
For about thirty seconds, contract as many muscles as you can in your whole body: face and neck, torso and pelvis, arms and hands, legs and feet, squeezing as tightly as possible (but not to the level of pain) while breathing from the chest quickly and shallowly.
After those 30 seconds release the tension quickly. And relax.
Consider what you noticed as you did in the previous step.
For thirty seconds, contract your whole body again, squeezing with similar intensity, but this time breathe from the belly slowly and deeply.
Release the tension and relax.
Consider what you were aware of this time.
What was the difference between straining the body while breathing from the chest and straining the body while breathing from the abdomen? Did you notice a difference in what you were thinking or feeling, both emotionally and physically? Does time seem to pass faster or slower? Did you get the feeling of how to release tension and feel calm by bringing your attention to your breath? Was there also a slight sense of the calming ability of the breath?
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Mindfulness Breathing Exercise
A Mindful Breathing Exercise to help with Anxiety
To begin, lie down comfortably on your back and slowly close your eyes. Pay attention to how your breath occurs naturally, without even thinking about. Allow yourself to sink into the floor or furniture.
Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly. In your mind’s eye, imagine a balloon behind your belly button gently filling with air as you inhale and emptying as you exhale. Invite your belly to relax.
Without trying to control or force your breathing in any way, allowing it to guide you, notice, perhaps, that your breathing becomes slower and deeper. When your breathing deepens, lengthens, and slows, your belly gently rises. and falls, expands and collapses.
In this smooth, rhythmic flow, notice, perhaps, if your hand on your belly moves more than your hand on your chest. This tells you if your breathing is passing past your chest and moving your diaphragm muscle downward, causing your belly to move up and down. If there is no difference between the movement of your hands, no worries. Over time, as you follow your breath with relaxed attention, your breathing slows down and deepens on its own to its natural state.
Gently lower your hands and arms to the sides. Relax.
Now, imagine floating on an air mattress in the ocean on a hot sunny day. The gentle waves of the ocean: as you inhale your belly rises slowly, as if you are carried on the rising slope of a wave, as you exhale your belly slowly sinks, as you descend from it other side of the wave.
Imagining riding a wave with each breath, take a few moments to notice how you feel. Imagine the ocean getting a little choppy. For a short while, let your breath move only in your chest, so that your breathing is short, shallow, and faster, matching the movement of those little shorter, faster waves. Take a moment to notice your feelings while you are engaged in chest breathing.
Imagine the waves returning to their earlier gentle, slow movements as you invite your breath to slow down and deepen. As you breathe in fully and freely with abdominal breathing, your stomach rises on the slope of the inhale and descends on the slope of the exhale.
As you breathe this way, take a moment to observe your emotional state. When you are ready to leave the ocean, slowly open your mind. Could you feel a difference between these two states? If not, don’t worry. Give this exercise more time or come back to it later.
Nothing found.
Is it okay to want a diagnosis?
Dear Therapist,
I feel like theres a part of me that just wants a diagnosis but then at the same time I’m scared to have one. Then when I think about having one I’m not sure what that would really even change!? Is it okay to want a diagnosis?
– Cautiously Curious
Dear Cautiously Curious,
The easy answer to this is, yes! Of course it’s okay to want a diagnosis.
The more complicated pieces are 1) what is a diagnosis and 2) what are you going to do with it?
There are so many differing opinions out there in the field of psychology regarding diagnoses. Some clinicians see diagnoses as the cornerstone of good treatment, allowing for treatment planning, effective interventions, and the application of research. While others see them a stigmatizing, damaging, and distracting from the complexity of the person’s injuries.
My personal take on them is that they fall somewhere in the middle of those two ends of the spectrum. They are critical for clinicians and researchers to understand what we’re all seeing in our clients and what symptomology we’re targeting with our approaches and interventions. They give us a shorthand to be able to know what we’re talking about without having to describe every detail of a person’s life. They also have incredible value in directing the course of treatment that therapy with a particular individual might take.
However, I also see the issues that arise of diagnoses as well. We all know that diagnoses can be applied as labels to people, taking a unique and complex life and narrowing it down to a list of 6 criteria.
People also respond really differently to receiving a diagnosis. Some people feel an incredible sense of peace and affirmation, knowing that they are not alone and what they have been experiencing alone on the inside actually has a name. While others experience it as a curse, something that becomes a rigid part of their identity that they feel powerless to change.
So again, the easy answer is yes, it is totally okay to want a diagnosis. The questions that I would encourage you to ask yourself is why do you want one, what would you do with it, and most importantly, how would you expect to treat yourself with it?
– Kevin
Kevin Cram is a licensed psychotherapist focused on helping people overcome developmental trauma and attachment challenges as well as the symptoms that are inevitably linked. He works from a relational psychoanalytic/dynamic perspective. He sees clients in the Southern California area.
Ask a Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let Free Therapy Online use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.