Is it okay to notlove your parents?

Relational wounds are some of the most painful experiences that a person can go through. On top of that, our attachment connection to, needs, and dependency we have with our parents or primary caregivers make those relationship especially vulnerable and sensitive to hurt. So my heart goes out to you and what you’re experiencing.

First, I think it’s important to discuss that important concept you mentioned of “normal.” One way that questions asking about “normal” is often meant is asking, “do most other people experience this or feel this way?” That question has so,e importance but I think it’s most beneficial when thinking through research and treatment. It isn’t the most beneficial lens to look through on an individual basis. Another common interpretation of “normal” is it common, even if it’s not the majority, and I would have to say that your experience is certainly common.

The way that I prefer to talk about “normal” is to see it as asking the question, “is this understandable?” This lens ALWAYS allows us to answer in the affirmative. Human beings have some common but also infinite strategies and responses to help us deal with pain. While we might not understand how our responses are connected to the pain we can know that IF we had all the information and understanding that our response would indeed makes sense. It allows us to look at our experiences and say even if this only happened to me, even if it’s bringing out apparently strange or unique responses, it is still understandable.

So yes. I would say your experience is normal.

Our relationships with our parents do and should change so much over our lifetime, while at the same time they usually stay incredibly consistent. What I hear in your brief question is both recent event and a long history of interactions that have laid the foundation for this present moment. There have probably been so many ways that you’ve been hurt by your parents, and those also probably haven’t been talked about. They’ve been swept under the rug. Upon the foundation of those (maybe) small but numerous experiences comes these more significant wounds that have occurred.

This anger and hurt, in my opinion, is actually an attachment response signaling to you that something is going wrong in the relationships between you and your caregivers and it’s pushing you to try something different to get the care that your need. Unfortunately, your parents might not be able to offer you that care. Obviously, I don’t know what they’re capable of or what is likely but you do.

If you try or have tried to get some care from your parents about these issues and the responses are caring enough to feel reparative to you, then it might be a further signal that new boundaries are necessary with your parents. I don’t know how old you are but as we get older we often are drawn to connection with people outside of our families of origin. We look for and hopefully find people who can meet our relational and emotional needs beyond what our parents are able to offer. This is a good and necessary developmental process. But. It doesn’t come with some grief. The awareness and experience of our parents as limited, hurtful, imperfect being is a traumatic experience.

So yes. Your experience is normal. You’ve likely been hurt and need some care and repair in your relationship to them. They may or may not be able to offer you that. The good news is that there are people out there who can, but there is grief and anger about what’s happening at the same time.